WARNING: This is a long and boring blog post of my random self evaluation thoughts... I advice you to ignore it.
So... I realized something in the last couple of days that's a little personal but I think it is a great study of human behavior that other people maybe able to benefit from so I am blogging about it.
When I first moved to Provo I was pretty lonely and lost and all that. I was kind of shocked at how much I didn't act like I thought I should. My first reaction was to try even less and become more lazy... what did it matter if no one knew who I was anyways? Then I began to change. I didn't have very many friends so I focused mostly on myself and began to rekindle a friendship with myself. I had time to plan things that would help me be a better me. As I became more of what I could be more proud of I began to see a change of attitude. I became happy and content, despite the fact that I still didn't have very many friends.
So here is my observation. I had so many friends and acquaintances in Logan that I had begun to base a large portion of my self-satisfaction on the acceptance that other people gave me. Many times when I was doing something to "be better" it was to improve that acceptance that I got from others. My self image was proportionate to the image that I had in my social circles. So when I came to Provo all that was lost. There was no reputation to judge my self worth from and so at first I figured I had no responsibility to be anything. Then, as I began to focus more on myself I started to instead judge myself by how I viewed myself and what I wanted to be - not because someone expected it, not because it was my reputation, but because I could be whoever I wanted to be and the sky was the limit. How many times can I say myself? Well, obviously I've become VERY self focused - so: A LOT! Anyways, all that I am trying to say is that I have become VERY happy because I am becoming who I REALLY want to be and to do that with very limited social influence is a very good feeling. I think its very easy to get self worth from the number of friends we have. Well, that may be a good indicator that you are worth a lot, but its not really what measures your worth. Be who you want to be, man. Make goals. Be your best you. I also noticed that when you have this view - you can be more confident around others and they can tell that you are really being you and you're still a great person. They respect that and they like you for it. Even if they don't, it doesn't make any difference because you aren't judging your worth off what they think anymore.
On a side note, lose yourself in the service of others...
